Processes Involved In Developing Self Soothing Capacity
From a Bowen perspective, working to lower one's level of chronic anxiety is, in essence, a self soothing project. Lowering chronic anxiety is a recursive process involving attention to both intrapsychic factors and the way one functions as part of the interactional dynamics of family and other key relationships. Understanding and modifying both the position of the self in the system and the way the system manifests inside the self.
Extensive research led Bowen to theorise that the level of chronic anxiety within an individual is related to the degree to which that individual's emotional position in their family of origin functions to regulate tension in the parental relationship (Bowen, 1978). Thus his approach to sustained emotional growth is based on an individual carving out - or more accurately 'chipping away' at - a different emotional position in their family system. A position based more on one's own needs, beliefs and principles, as opposed to the emotional demands of the system, that is, the push for harmony, approval, 'oneness' or relief from the tension of differences. This must be continued within an ongoing connected relationship despite the predicable disapproval, criticism - or worse! - that it might generate. Such an effort, Bowen argues, if maintained consistently over time and throughout many interactions, will ultimately decrease the level of chronic anxiety within that individual and, conversely, increase their level of differentiation. This is consistent with my personal experience.
Clearly, taking action to define oneself more authentically in one's family of origin may not be possible for, or even the choice of all clients. However, I think it important to highlight what I believe a Bowen Theory approach has to offer even the most fragile and vulnerable of clients in their efforts to develop a more solid self. A Bowen therapist does not direct a client to confront their family or to behave differently toward family members, but invites a client to learn about and to understand the predictable and observable patterns of emotional process in the family which they are a part of and contribute to. This involves using the real life relationships of the client as the site of observation and research. The data which the client collects on these habitual patterns is brought back into the therapy room for analysis through the lens of Systems Theory. This gentle process encourages reflection upon and thinking about one's own functioning, especially under pressure, in response to important family members. It includes observation of sensitivities and vulnerabilities of self and others, the instinctual and automatic reactions of self and other family members when anxious and the reciprocal and co-created interactional patterns that repeat between family members. A therapist's curiosity about these patterns and how a client differentiates between reactive (emotional) and rational thinking responses invites a client's curiosity about this for themselves. This can stimulate a type of thinking that itself provides a powerful antidote to overwhelming emotional states.
Above all, the emphasis is on a client understanding and thinking about their situation differently. Clients work toward developing clarity about the part self unwittingly plays in the maintenance of the problem. This can be undertaken at the varying levels of emotional maturity that clients bring into therapy. Even in the earliest stages of learning about Family Systems principles, a client can potentially develop an awareness and understanding that is perhaps one of the greatest tools for self regulation, as it can help them to make sense of the most difficult and inexplicable behaviours and relationships.
When an individual understands and objectively observes the system they are part of they can see that it is beyond the effort of the individual and that others' reactions are their own anxiety in the system response. This helps them to contain responsibility to their own reactions rather than taking the brunt of the systems' reactions. It provides a view to all participants' behaviour through the lens of systems ideas. The individual can become more objective about others' behaviour and thus experience it less personally. When one can see their own and other family members' position in the system and what each person, including themselves are up against, they are less likely to blame others or see 'villains and victims', hence viewing the situation more realistically. For example, through this work, I am now more able to view my own parents as fellow travellers on the planet, struggling with similar human predicaments and challenges as myself.
A sustained effort to research and understand one's family system and one's own part in it can promote a capacity to recognise and normalise the 'change back' reactions of others, that is, their attack, defensiveness or withdrawal of support. When these reactions can be seen as a predictable part of the journey to define self rather than as a crisis that needs to be smoothed over, one can better resist the understandable urge to abandon the mission. A Family Systems understanding enables one to predict others' reactions and thus assist one to prepare a response from a position of a solid self as opposed to a reactive self.
Bowen emphasised that taking action to express oneself differently in key family relationships will generate an increase in anxiety and discomfort in the short term, as any attempt from one family member to rise up out of the emotional togetherness will attract vigorous disapproval from the group (Bowen, 1978). Clearly this is no easy road and simultaneously requires the development of skills to regulate physiological arousal, tolerate strong feelings, calm and examine the mind in order to integrate affect with more rational thinking. I believe that this is where other therapeutic approaches that detail methods for regulating arousal fill a gap left by Bowen. Cognitive Therapy (Beck, 1976), The Mindfulness approach (Kabat-Zinn, 1993) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Harris, 2008) amongst others have worked extensively in this area. Knowledge of, and proficiency with these strategies and practices is a helpful skill set for a Bowen theorist /therapist.
Emotion Focussed Therapy (Greenberg, 2002), although quite different from Bowen in how it achieves affect regulation, provides detailed and useful descriptions of ways in which emotions can be understood and used intelligently. For example to learn about self, monitor the state of one's relationships and as a source of information to decide upon reasoned action. Additionally there are valuable resources to draw on to assist with regulating physical arousal pertaining to the physiology and psychobiology of stress (Sapolsky, 1994), relaxation and yoga therapies (Paramhans Swami Maheshwarananda, 2000), and recent advances in Neurobiology (Allman, 1999; LeDoux, 1996; Panksepp, 1998)
It must be emphasised however, that it is the way in which such resources are used and applied that distinguishes an effort toward the longer term goal of differentiation from a delaying mechanism for immediate relief and distraction from overpowering feelings and impulses.
"The process by which a person can reduce his level of chronic anxiety depends primarily on learning. The learning depends on having the courage to engage in emotionally intense situations repeatedly and to tolerate the anxiety and internal emotional reactivity associated with that engagement. This is anxiety associated with trying to become more of a self, an anxiety of progression rather than regression" & (Kerr and Bowen, 1988 pp130-131).
I believe Bowen Theory adds a vital component to the tools an individual can use to manage anxious arousal in order to function more authentically. Bowen clearly outlines the patterns of fusion, emotional cutoff, triangling and over /under functioning that occur in varying degrees in all families during times of stress. This knowledge enables an individual to soothe their anxieties by understanding what is going on in their family system and appreciating the normality of these patterns. The more our family patterns are known to us, the less threatening they become.