Bowen's View of Self Soothing
Although the Family Systems literature does not use the term 'self soothing', this essential process is implied in the description of anxiety reduction which is a by-product of increasing one's basic level of differentiation. As a person develops more awareness of, and control over, their emotional reactivity amidst the pushes and pulls of family relationships, the more potential exists for the integration of emotion and cognition within that individual at times of high anxiety. This can assist individuals to participate in their family system as more of a 'solid self'. That is, being more directed by their own convictions and beliefs rather than the emotional climate of the family relational system or the feeling responses of others (which can strongly pull one away from the expression of self toward acting for the harmony and emotional comfort of others). When there is a little more "solid self" to counterbalance the pull of the feeling process less anxiety is generated by, and absorbed from, the relational system in which the individual is participating. Bowen may have deliberately veered away from the term 'self soothing' in favour of the term 'self regulation', in order to emphasise that, while the ultimate effect or outcome of a differentiation effort may be to feel more comfortable internally, the process of getting there is far from soothing, but rather more anxiety provoking.
Bowen Theory suggests that the process of self soothing requires a movement toward anxiety, that is, to engage in feeling more discomfort rather than feeling relieved or soothed. Bowen would argue that one's willingness and ability to tolerate the discomfort of emotionally intense situations can promote learning about one's own thinking, feelings, reactivity whilst in the midst of high anxiety. This promotes the development of a new way of thinking about oneself when anxious, which, in turn, can create more objectivity and flexibility in thinking and ultimately a greater range of behavioural options within key relationships during times of high tension. Thus, the path to a greater capacity for self soothing depends on having the courage to engage in emotionally intense situations repeatedly and to tolerate the anxiety and internal emotional reactivity associated with that engagement (Kerr and Bowen, 1988).
It is important to note that this conceptual position is not unique to Bowen Theory. Many of the psychodynamic approaches would agree that learning to tolerate the discomfort of emotionally intense situations is essential to an individual's growth. However, it is Bowen's contention and contribution to the field of therapy, that it is the tolerance of the anxiety generated by the commitment to, and effort of defining one's own beliefs, principles and convictions within key family relationships, that has the most potential to lower chronic anxiety and thus work toward developing a more enduring, reliable and solid ability to self regulate.
A further point of distinction lies in Bowen's view of the position of the therapist and the role of the therapeutic relationship in such an effort. Rather than the therapy room being the site of the healing of past emotional 'wounds', through the transference relationship with the therapist, it is the place for thinking, exploration and further understanding of the processes at work in the clients' family system, This helps clients to go back into the real world of their own relationships and family to work out their emotional difficulties. Both therapist and client use the theory as a lens through which to observe relationships with family of origin, with spouse and with children and with others to see how everyone's emotional immaturity plays out in the system and to observe how people function in relation to each other, to see triangles and the other elements the theory describes. (Kerr, 2005).
Systems Theory does not discount the importance of understanding one's feelings, however it does not assume that clients 'getting their feelings out' will solve very much except perhaps in the short term. Experiencing and understanding one's own feelings is a vital component of self soothing, but only if one can use them as a source of information to be considered in determining the best way to act for self and to meet one's own needs. This is in contrast to experiencing one's feelings as an overwhelming demand for action or a potentially harmful irrational force that must always be regarded with suspicion.
A Family Systems understanding of anxiety
The process of self soothing within a Family Systems Approach cannot be understood separately from the concept of chronic anxiety, which Bowen argued is a key variable in the development of the symptoms that block our learning and growth, thereby creating the need for self regulation.
In Bowen Theory anxiety can be defined as the arousal of the organism upon experiencing a real or imagined threat. When so aroused the emotional system of the anxious individual tends to override the cognitive system and behaviour becomes increasingly automatic. Subjective decisions based on internal feelings or affect predominate (Papero, 1990). It is vital to bear in mind that for Bowen the concept of the Emotional System is distinct from, and not limited to, feelings or affect. Bowen used the term 'emotion' or 'emotional system' to refer to the automatic processes governing life on all levels, from the cellular to the societal. It includes the force that biology would define as instinct, reproduction, the automatic activity controlled by the autonomic nervous system, subjective emotional and feeling states, and the forces that govern relationship systems (Bowen, 1978). The emotional system is counterbalanced by an intellectual system that enables clear thinking, focuses on objective facts and evaluates options for responding. Individuals vary in their ability to be guided by the intellectual system in the face of emotional intensity. This key difference among individuals forms part of the basis for Bowen's concept of a continuum of Differentiation of Self.
Bowen distinguished two types of anxiety existing in complex relationship with each other. The first is acute anxiety which generally occurs in response to real threats and is experienced as time limited. Adaptation to acute anxiety is usually fairly successful, partly because the focus for response or action is clearly defined. The second is chronic anxiety, which occurs in response to perceived threats, is not experienced as time limited and exists in all individuals to a greater or lesser degree.
Chronic Anxiety
Chronic anxiety is influenced by many things but not caused by any one thing. The principal generator of chronic anxiety is the degree of an individual's sensitivity to real or perceived changes /disturbances in the balance of their relationship systems. Such sensitivities and subsequent anxiety reactions are generated and fuelled by the inherent relational instability set up by the dual human need for togetherness, belonging and acceptance on the one hand, and for personal autonomy and individuality on the other (Kerr 2007). The higher the level of chronic anxiety within an individual or relationship system (that is, the greater the sensitivity to relational forces) the less adaptive individuals are to episodes of acute anxiety.
Chronic anxiety can result in a sustained and generalised state of arousal within the individual and involves responses in both the autonomic and central nervous systems. Once triggered, chronic anxiety sets off a cascade of instinctual responses, actions and reactions that quickly gather momentum and become largely independent of the triggering stimuli.
Chronic anxiety is subtle and pervasive and runs like a silent undercurrent guiding all human relationships (Ferrera 1999). The physical manifestations of anxiety are possibly the most well known and can range from tightened muscles, shallow breathing, increased heart rate, and changes in skin temperature to churning nausea, dizziness, suffocation and gripping pain. Chronic anxiety also affects the way we think and influences how we perceive the circumstances of our lives. It can determine our beliefs, organise our behaviour, influence our personality and hijack our emotions. More often than not, we may not be aware that our thinking, feeling and behaviour are anxiety driven. Thus, chronic anxiety is a much broader concept than, for example, an anxiety disorder or an episode of acute anxiety symptoms. Although it may never manifest as a disorder or an acute episode, it can certainly include these.
Bowen Theory proposes that chronic anxiety exists in all individuals and in all relationship systems. It is not the exclusive domain of the clinical population. However, what does vary between people is the degree of chronic anxiety which can range from high to low. The level appears to be based primarily on learned responses in one's first family. This, Bowen proposes is a transgenerational phenomenon. That is, one has little or no control over the amount of chronic anxiety one is born into, however, one does have control over the way one plays the 'hand of cards' one is dealt. This forms the basis of Bowen's focus on changing the self in order to experience oneself as more solid in relation to important family members. This is in contrast to changing one's own behaviour in the hope of a change in another's response to you.
Throughout my own differentiation efforts Bowen's concept of chronic anxiety has been most influential and helpful in developing my own ability to self soothe. Understanding that the effects of this type of anxiety are often very subtle, pervasive and more often than not out of conscious awareness, provides a way of making sense of the relational sensitivities underlying my thinking patterns, as well as my behavioural and physiological reactions. Understanding this aspect of my functioning as a transgenerational 'inheritance' similarly grappled with, consciously or unconsciously by my ancestors and not the 'fault' of any one family member, helps me to feel compassionate and respectful of my situation and efforts. I am able to remind myself that these imperfections are not a weakness or defect in character, but a feature of the human condition. This in turn is soothing, liberating and helps me continue to take action in my differentiation efforts no matter how small the progress.